Responsibility for Loved Ones: How to Find Balance in Life
I am 50 years old. At this age, people usually enjoy stability, devote more time to themselves and their family. However, my life has been a bit different. For many years, I have carried the responsibility for my younger brother, who is now 40 years old.
When we were children, I always felt that I had to take care of him. Our parents passed away when we were very young, and I had to take on the role of protector and mentor. I was only 15 years old when I became his guardian. My brother was 5 years younger than me, and from the very beginning, I took responsibility for him. I knew I had to be not only his brother but also an adult who would teach him about life, support him, and help him cope with difficulties.
I tried my best to be an example for him. I helped him with his studies, taught him how to make the right decisions, and gave him advice. It seemed to me that everything I was doing would help him become an independent and confident person. Time passed, and I continued to feel that I had to carry this burden of responsibility. However, with each passing year, I began to realize that my efforts were not always appreciated.
My brother got a job and got married. He had a family, children, and at first glance, it seemed that everything was going well. I felt relieved—he had finally gotten back on his feet. But after a while, his life began to fall apart. His character, his habit of starting conflicts and imposing his point of view, began to negatively affect all his relationships—with colleagues, family, and even close people.
His wife left him, the children stopped communicating with him. Relatives, tired of constant conflicts, started avoiding him. It was difficult to watch. I couldn’t leave him in this situation because, despite all his flaws, I still felt that I had to help.
When he was fired from his job, I tried to support him, to find new solutions, but his behavior was becoming increasingly destructive. He blamed everyone around him, not realizing that the cause of his problems lay not in others but in his own actions. I helped him look for a job, supported him financially, but each time his life went in circles again: work, dismissal, new conflicts.
At some point, I realized that the situation wouldn’t change unless he himself wanted to change. I couldn’t continue living this way, despite all my efforts. He was always at the forefront, while my own life was becoming more and more neglected.
A few years ago, he was fired from his job again, and this became the last straw for me. Not only did he stop looking for a new job, but he also began finding excuses for his inactivity. He claimed he had health problems, inventing illnesses to justify his passivity. I felt I couldn’t carry this burden anymore; I couldn’t continue supporting him in his inaction.
My family began to suffer from his presence in our home. My wife and children were tired of him always being around, of his demands and accusations. I understood that something had to change. However, despite all my efforts, my brother continued to perceive my attempts to set boundaries as a betrayal.
I always believed that my responsibility for my brother was a duty I had to carry. But over time, I realized that I couldn’t give my entire life to another person, forgetting about myself in the process. After all, life is not just about taking care of others, but also about taking care of yourself. I needed to learn to set boundaries and take care of my family without losing myself in the process.
It was very difficult. For a long time, I couldn’t bring myself to stop providing this support, because deep down I continued to believe that if I stopped helping, he would completely destroy his life. But at some point, I realized that I couldn’t control his life. He had to take responsibility for his own actions.
Today, I try to support my brother, but on a different level. I will help him if he asks, but I no longer allow his problems to ruin my life. I’ve realized that, in order to be a good brother, I need to learn to set boundaries. Caring for others is important, but one mustn’t forget their own interests and well-being.
I can’t change his life if he doesn’t want to change. And although this realization came to me later than I would have liked, I am proud that I finally learned to set boundaries and understand that every person is responsible for their own life. I will always be there, ready to help, but no more than that. My own well-being is now important too.
This story is my cry for help. I know something needs to change, but when you’ve spent your whole life feeling responsible for another person, breaking these chains is not easy. All I can do now is help my brother, but not at the expense of myself and my family.